Letter Exchange
by xxjonibaby
Summary: A series of letter exchanges between members of the Light and Dark. GW/DM MM/LV FW/LL/GW implied.
1. Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort

**Letter Exchange**

**Chapter One**

**Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort**

**_Snake-Faced Bastard:_**

**_Give me Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy and I will reveal the spy for the Order of the Phoenix._**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_Do you really believe that I would give you two of my best followers in exchange for one name?_

_Lord Voldemort _

**_Snakey:_**

**_If that psychotic bitch and her narcissist brother-in-law are your best Death Eaters, it's no wonder you haven't been winning lately. Why do you keep Lucius around? Old Money? Or is it because he's pretty? I know it's not for his brain. Two words: second year._**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_I killed two hundred muggles on that last raid and made the new Minister of Magic wet himself his first day in office. How am I not winning? Bellatrix is definitely a psychotic bitch, but she's a devoted psychotic bitch. Trust me Potter, it's always best to have the crazy ones on your side._

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_Didn't Bellatrix castrate Montague during that raid? We've killed or captured a hundred of your followers, neutralized the Dementors, and signed treaties with the werewolves and giants. Your forces have been largely depleted and we've hardly lost anyone. Most of the war casualties have been muggles and, let me remind you, there are still six billion muggles on the planet. You're nowhere near winning. Give me Bellatrix and Lucius._**

**_Harry Potter_**

**_Snakey:_**

**_I'm disappointed, really. I expected Lucius and Bellatrix to be booby-trapped in some way, but killing them beforehand and creating port-keys out of their corpses? That was downright cruel. I wanted to play with them first! You need to tighten security, by the way. It was far too easy to kill the guards with a toothpick and escape by the floo. Of course, we would've never guessed that you'd use Pettigrew's old family manor as a secret base, but we traced the floo connection and raided the place. How many secret bases do you have?_**

**_Harry Potter_**

**_P.S. The spy for the Order of the Phoenix is Severus Snape. Please send pictures._**

_Potter:_

_In the package is Snape's decapitated head. Give Dumbledore my regards._

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_I particularly love the boot-shaped scar on his forehead. I might just mount him on the wall. Dumbledore actually cried. McGonagall caught me writing this. She says to tell you she sends her love. I wish I could obliviate myself._**

_**Harry Potter** _

_Potter:_

_Does McGonagall have any other bitter rivals?_

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey: _**

**_I am not going to ask her that._**

**_Harry Potter_**

**_Snakey:_**

**_You wrote to McGonagall, didn't you? That's disgusting._**

**_Harry Potter_**

* * *


	2. Ron Weasley To Draco Malfoy

**Letter Exchange**

**Chapter Two**

**Ron Weasley To Draco Malfoy**

_Weasley:_

_Rendezvous at 6:00 Friday._

_Love and Hugs,_

_Draco _

**_Malfoy:_**

**_WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!_**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_Opening another person's mail is rude and illegal. You've probably figured out by now that this letter is hexed. It's more likely that you haven't. Check the mirror. Give the second page to your sister. Just try reading it, Weasel, and you'll know real pain._

_Draco Malfoy_

**_Malfoy:_**

**_WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING MY BABY SISTER?!?! STAY AWAY FROM HER, YOU DEATH EATER SCUMBAG!_**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_Very eloquent, Weasel. Stop writing in capitals. It isn't intimidating and only proves that you're an uncivilized ass. Your sister's correspondence is none of your business._

_Draco Malfoy_

**_Malfoy:_**

**_Shut the fuck up, Malfoy!_**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_That's all you have to say? I suppose you're going to forbid her from seeing me. Not a wise idea, Weasel. If I remember correctly, she has a wicked Bat-Boogey Hex._

_Draco Malfoy_

_P.S. If you upset her, I will do worse than hex your skin into green scales._

**_Malfoy:_**

**_Why the hell are you doing this to her? Do you have any idea what she's been through? I swear to fucking Merlin, if this is some fucking Death Eater trap, I will kill you._**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_I know all about the disaster with Potter. If she hasn't told you yet, I was the one to pick up the pieces. I don't like you, Weasel, but you are her brother. So I'm going to explain it to you in small words that even you can understand: I care about her. It's not a trap. Now leave me the fuck alone._

_Draco Malfoy_

**_Malfoy:_**

**_Like hell I'm going to leave you alone! What do you mean you care about her? How do I know you're not lying, Malfoy? How do I know you don't just want..you know. I'm not going to let you break her heart._**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_Like you didn't let Potter? If I just wanted sex, I would've left her by now. Apparently your tiny brain can't comprehend that I might possibly love her._

_Draco Malfoy_

**_Malfoy:_**

**_I still don't trust you. She'll be there tonight, but she'd better be home by eight!_**

**_Ron Weasley_**

_Weasel:_

_Ten._

_Draco Malfoy_

_Weasel:_

_I apologize for knocking you unconscious and kicking you in the face. I thought a Death Eater had followed me. My dinner date was lovely, by the way. The sex was even better._

_Draco Malfoy_

* * *


	3. Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort II

**Letter Exchange**

**Chapter Three**

**Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort**

**_Snakey:_**

**_Does McGonagall know about the thing you had with Lucius Malfoy or do you enjoy stringing along (insane) women with incredible lack of eye-sight? Did Bellatrix really call you her sexy, mushy love-muffin? You're bald, your eyes are red, your nose is actually WORSE than Michael Jackson's (and I won't tell you my other suspicions..), not to mention the fact that you're trying to take over the world! Seriously, did you confound my professor?_**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_Are you trying to imply that I'm a homosexual child-molester?_

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_You never denied Lucius was pretty nor did you actually answer my questions. Plus, you have practically stalked me my whole life. So, are you?_**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_I was trying to kill you, Potter. That is entirely different from "stalking". I never spied on you in your bed or anything. I am not a child-molester, Potter. Perhaps your professor is interested in me because I shower her with affection and catnip (and killed Mrs. Norris)._

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_I'm pretty sure stalking is stalking no matter what spin you'd like to put on it. I'd like to point out that you still haven't denied being homosexual. I'm surprised that Mrs. Norris was your work. I thought it might've been a side-effect of the Class D restricted potion I slipped into her water. I guess we'll never know._**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_Why are you questioning my sexuality? Jealous?_

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_Oh yeah, I'm totally jealous. I've been dying to go on down you. I think it's sexy that you're bald, ugly, psychotic and murdered my parents. Let me dump my GIRLFRIEND so we can run off into the sunset together and have babies._**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_Sarcasm doesn't become you. I'm surprised you have a girlfriend. Usually these things make the headlines. How is the youngest Weasley?_

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_I might have to obliviate myself to get that mental image out of my head! Ginny is my sister! We tried dating and it was a bloody disaster (literally, Charlie broke my nose). She has some super-secret boyfriend. Ron knows who it is but every time someone asks he holds his nose and rubs his head. Sometimes he covers his groin. Mrs. Weasley wants to have him checked out with a healer. I'm seeing this girl who's incredibly smart. Stop trying to change the topic. You're gayer than Dumbledore._**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_No one is gayer than Albus Dumbledore. So you're dating that mudblood. Snape always said she was an annoying know-it-all. Everyone presumed she would end up with Weasley._

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_Wrong again. I'm not dating Hermione. I'll give you a hint: she's a blonde Ravenclaw. Now, stop dodging the bloody questions. Are you gay? Was Lucius your slut? What did you do to McGonagall? She's wearing her hair down! Wait, I take that back. Do not answer that question!_**

**_Harry Potter_**

_Potter:_

_The daughter of that crazy editor of the Quibbler. No, I am not gay. Lucius wasn't a slut, except for this one time he got drunk and had sex with Macnair's manticore. About your professor, let's just say certain Dark rituals can be done to increase one's stamina and that transfiguration is much more useful than you think._

_Lord Voldemort_

**_Snakey:_**

**_There were so many things wrong with that message. Maybe I can get Bill to obliviate it from my memory. If not, I could go stick a fork in the toaster I guess. Luna's dating Fred or George. I can't remember which. I think they might be a threesome, actually, but no one's been brave enough to ask. I am dating Mandy Brocklehurst, actually. Did you know she's distantly related to Mad-Eye Moody? I sure as hell didn't. I really hate that glass eye of his. On the bright side, we did it in three positions before he beat the hell out of me. _**

**_Harry Potter_**

* * *


End file.
